Strong Opinions, Loosely Held

From 2006 to 2012, I worked as the eng lead in Google Ads Trust & Safety area, and had many PM partners. Most of them didn't stay for too long and were constantly rotating in and out. Except the last one. He stayed for years, and we had a great collaborating relationship.

I learned 2 things from him.

1. The understanding of what's a partner.

2. The phrase "Strong Opinions, Loosely Held", and why that's a good thing.

True Partnership

For the first several years of my role, I was very frustrated about the lack of stability of PM support. There were a lot of PM changes: a new PM joined the team, we spent time training the new PM up, then the new PM left, and we were given another new PM. This went on for a few years.

I asked the PM leadership why this was happening, and was told it'd be very hard to find a PM who'd be interested in this role, and even harder for some PM to remain interested in this role. I got the following advice: maybe I should become that anchor, just expecting frequent PM shuffles. I took that advice to heart, and started acting as the PM for the team.

Interestingly, this made the situation worse. New PMs rotated even faster, since they didn't see their path to success while their eng counterpart just acted as PM. I didn't realize this though. I was simply trying my best to be the acting PM, ignoring my rotating PM partnership, and using that PM rotation as further evidence that me being the acting PM was the right decision.

Until this new PM partner arrived.

Right from the beginning, he said to me, "I'm not your PM". (In fact he still said that to me years later.) He did things that I wasn't even aware that I needed to do. He was able to bring alignment at sales leadership level which changed the landscape of the project significantly. He was able to inject himself into conversation and foster relationship so that our views were properly represented when tough tradeoffs were needed.

He refused to acknowledge he was my PM, but yet he was able to deliver the most impactful PM contribution for me and my team. He taught me, without saying it directly, that the right partnership is to recognize each other's unique strengths, and let each person handle what they are naturally better to handle. The fact that I was treating the previous PMs as I had to teach them what to do was limiting to them and therefore in turn limiting to my team and myself.

Strong Opinions, Loosely Held

During one of the "I'm not your PM" conversations, he told me, "Before I took this role, people warned me that you are hard to work with. What I observed though is 4 words, Strong Opinions, Loosely Held. From the quick outside look, that Loosely Held part wasn't obvious, which is why you have this reputation of being hard to work with. But getting to know you more and debate with you, I actually find it really enjoyable."

That conversation struck me, and it stayed with me for 10+ years now.

• Before that, I didn't even know that I was this type. Even myself thought I was "Strong Opinions".

• Even though I actually was “Loosely Held”, I wasn’t self-aware of it, and I definitely didn’t make any effort to show to others that I’m “Loosely Held”. When my opinion changed, I changed it silently.

• From that day on, I intentionally showed more of my "Loosely Held" part. I called out when I changed my opinion based on others’ input / feedback / opinions, and I also explained with more details when my opinion wasn’t changed.

• This significantly helped me to become more likable and more trusted.

I also tested others with "Strong Opinions" to see whether they "Loosely Held". I found out that:

• "Strong Opinions, Tightly Held" are the hardest people to work with.

• "Strong Opinions, Loosely Held" are the best people to work with.

Why is "Strong Opinions, Loosely Held" the best to work with?

• They have opinions, and they are willing to share and argue. You can pick the best of their ideas.

• They also are willing to listen to pushbacks, and consider alternatives. This leads to effective brainstorming, towards a collaborative better end result.

• The best relationship is formed when both parties feel the other person makes me better.

My suggestions

• If you don't have strong opinions, please push yourself to form strong opinions. It’s important to learn how to articulate your rationale behind your opinions.

• If you do have strong opinions, please be mindful to be loosely held. Allow yourself to be convinced by others, and even better, proactively seek opposite views. Take the right pieces from different people, and combine them into the best joint ideas.

• If you have strong opinions, and they are loosely held, be mindful to show others when you change your opinions. No one else can read your mind. If you don’t tell others when you change your opinion, it’s not easy for others to tell, and that hurts your reputation.

• If you have strong opinions and they are loosely held, identify others in a similar mindset. They are your best potential partners, and together you can go far.

P.S., That PM who helped me realize all these? He’s now my cofounder of Gaida, and Gene happily acknowledges he’s my PM now. :)